If you follow me, you know I write about how to manage well, and that good managers are ultimately leaders. As perplexing as this concept might be, it’s actually quite intuitive, as Lisa Gillette and I spoke about last week. As a manager you must be tactical and manage a process; as a leader your job is to inspire and motivate your people.

If the focus is on procedural cadence alone, a manager may be quick to critique and slow to encourage (forgetting that vital human element). And herein lies a shared sentiment among many: "My boss never learned how to manage well.”

I am confident in my assertion that control-based issues (which inspires fears in team members and not empowerment) is a direct result of insecurity. But this isn’t shocking if your manager was never taught how to manage. [Spoiler: Most people aren’t and you might not be able to wait for them to get savvy.]

A common theme I witness in start-ups and mid-sized corporations alike, is a severe case of control through intimidation and minimization. In long form, they need everyone - especially those senior to them - to think they know what they’re doing, even amidst arguable incompetence. And, what’s more, this energy permeates throughout the team with credit theft at the helm.

This raises a combination of issues to address, but we’ll focus on just one to start: What do you do when your boss is quick to minimize (pointing fingers or never taking ownership), and slow to award credit or give recognition for your work? 

It's not about you.
When your boss is reactive and dismissive, it's hard not to take it personally. So what can you do about it? You can count to 10 and take deep breaths (to engage your parasympathetic nervous system); You can realize that this is a communication inadequacy, and you can talk to them about it. “When I hear you respond this way it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. Am I misunderstanding you?” You can tell them what you need: Your manager may need to smooth some rough edges, but they also are not mind readers.

Communicate.
Ah, yes, the notorious directive to communicate. But seriously. Sometimes managers are in their emotional brain - waving through the motions and focusing only on work output, with little empathy or concern for others. But what happens when a level-headed team member raises concerns about this behavior? I'll tell you what: They are taken aback and it just may encourage some self-reflection.

Here are three communication talk tracks that you can adopt or tweak for your comfort level when you're feeling belittled:

1. "In order for me to be the most effective I can be, I need to feel supported and I am not receiving that [support] [recognition] [respect]. Are you willing to work with me toward rectification?"

2. "It seems there's concern around my capabilities. What can I do to earn your trust?" 

3. "I suspect we can be more effective; Can you help me understand your frustration toward me?" 

The best thing to do when you're addressing conflict, especially of this nature, is to remain calm and clear-headed. Envision yourself assuming an inquisitive nature, not a combative one. Note: Being calm does not minimize your strength! Ultimately, addressing these issues can change your manager's behavior, improving the environment you face each day. 

Even if your boss never learned how to manage well, don’t lose hope yet. Take it upon yourself to manage-up and try the above. Questions or comments? Feel free to share.