Listening vs. Waiting to Talk

We have all been there. You can picture it. Whether you are the one unable to listen, or you are watching your colleague from across the room – awkwardly shifting with anticipation for their turn to talk – listening actively is harder than it looks.

Only 10% of people listen effectively, and actively. The rest of us are worried about what we are going to say, how we want to respond, or how we want to frame our advice. What’s more, if it is not our own reply that we are conjuring up as another person speaks, then it is the dinging of our phones – email, texts, and calls – or simply the noise in our heads that make sure we are distracted from listening. If you are honest, the odds of us being completely present when another person is speaking, are low.

Listening is less about the physical ability to hear, and more about comprehension, internalization, and recognition – even the pauses (some would say awkward silences) have meaning.

The good news? Active listening is a skill, and like any skill, it can be honed. If you are familiar with mindfulness or the notion of being in the present moment, you are already a step ahead. Through being present, you are more physically capable to listen.

Why should we care about listening? Well, a lot of reasons. First, if you are a manager, you need to actively listen to your team members. This not only increases empathy, it decreases conflict, and promotes trust. (What an efficient way to spark cohesion!) These benefits are unquestionably valuable among friends, family, and peers - of all ages - as well.

Exercise: Ask a colleague or loved one to practice with you (it is highly probable they need the help too!). Meet for tea or coffee, and ask your counterpart a simple question: how are they doing? This exercise should focus on asking open-ended questions. This is not about you offering advice or judging what is being said. It is about recognizing when your mind drifts. Are you thinking about the temperature of the coffee? The weather? Or perhaps you’re thinking about what may happen if your child doesn’t make the basketball team. Try to be aware of all of those thoughts. Rather than fight them, recognize them and come back to the present moment (listening to your counterpart) without judgement.

What this exercise will do:

• It will show you how much your mind wanders

• It will encourage you to be more mindful of your thoughts

• It will challenge you to realize your intentions of speaking e.g., rebuttals, advice, point-making.

This may seem slightly off topic for leadership advisement, but I assure you it is not! Instead, attentive and fully engaged listening is essential to establishing authentic relationships and cultivating team cohesion.   

Vision + Structure: For the Directionally Challenged

When you are driving to a place you’ve never been, you make sure you have directions. For most of us that means we are using our phone’s GPS, myself included. [I was raised to use and read a map, but learned quickly motion sickness ensues. Thank goodness I have this little technological wizard telling me where to go!] And that’s the point: we need to know where we are going. Without direction, we get lost, arrive late to our destination, or miss the opportunity all together.

Similarly, we need to know where we are going when it relates to our business and be aware of how we guide those who work within.  

Creating a vision.
A vision is a mental model of an ideal future state. Do you want your team to be functional and the depiction of strength? Or do you want a disjointed group of people running in oppositional directions?  

A vision plays a central role in many of the common theories of leadership. It’s the glue to an organization and its culture. A vision can be conveyed in a number of ways: through a picture, a significant change, value structures, a map with noted goals, or a defined challenge with correlated steps to conquer the feat!

How is a vision articulated and implemented?

• Adapt the vision to the audience.

  • Have the framework and know what you want – but portray it in a way your team(s) can hear you.

• Highlight the values of the vision.

  • Values drive us – they’re the intrinsic motivators that guide us to behave a certain way.

• Choose the right language (words) and symbols that are motivating and inspiring.

  • Remember, we all learn differently! Get creative.

• Walk the walk.

  • Do what you say and say what you do.

• Set expectations.

  • We keep coming back to this (it’s important). If your vision is the driving force behind your company – as it often begins, but your intent is to keep it that way – make sure your new hires embody the values you’ve put forth. Maintaining and reinforcing expectations will keep you on track for the output you desire.

Along with vision, comes setting the tone.  

Tone.
In order to do this, provide structure to your team members – almost like providing a blueprint. It gives meaning and a sense of security or direction. (Examples include a code of conduct or a company manual.)

Next, clarify norms and build cohesiveness.

Clarify Norms.
Norms are the rules of behavior that are established and shared by group members (e.g., starting meetings on time and staying on task). Sometimes we think norms are common sense – but they’re not! They need to be defined and articulated.

Once norms are defined, cohesiveness can prevail. It’s the “we-ness” of a group. It’s associated with consistency and is linked to increased participation, as well as better interaction. Better interactions yield higher innovation and encourage uninhibited creativity.

When we look at the journey of the vision as an overarching theme – with achievement at the end of the spectrum – we realize how essential all facets of this process are to an organization. Once the vision is firm and norms are defined, cohesion is underway but there’s still room for expressed and implied standards of excellence. In fact, there are six key factors essential for members to function effectively. These include:

• Skills

• Initiative

• Expectation of treatment

• Deadlines

• Goals

• Consequences  

If your team is struggling, assess whether you’ve reiterated the vision, the norms, and the expectations. Then look at the aforementioned list. What can you do to improve their contributions? Odds are there are multiple steps you can take (many included here!) to help lead your teams in a helpful, purposeful, direction.

Failure: Don't Be the Cause

People fail. Employees fail. It’s a fact of life. However…

The problem is often assumed to be that of the employees. But what if we were wrong? What if it was our fault? (Assume “our” classifies the boss or manager in this scenario.)

Spoiler: an employee’s poor performance can be blamed mainly on his or her boss.  

This syndrome has been titled “set-up-to-fail.” Jean François Manzoni and Jean-Louis Barsoux researched the topic at length. I’ll review the basics to help managers be aware of the syndrome itself and, if all seems too familiar i.e., you’re living the examples shared, I’ll provide recommendations to help you address.

The negative cycle of set-up-to-fail is just that, cyclical. Destructive behaviors from a boss fuel less favorable behaviors from the subordinate, and with each stroke the synergy between two individuals, splinter.

What happens is this:
When workers are perceived to be mediocre, they often continue to achieve those expectations. Namely, a team member (subordinate) may make an error. It could be the first, but the manager feels it’s a slippery slope if the error is not addressed. Regrettably, the way of “addressing” is to tighten the rope. The boss’ hope is to boost performance by managing closely. Instead, the scrutiny causes the employee to be insecure and he or she feels there’s a lack of trust and confidence in them.

In time, the employee doubts their performance and they lose motivation. If the manager is going to correct, critique, or minimize, it’s no wonder ownership diminishes. Sadly, this feeds into the syndrome. With absence of enthusiasm or performance, the manager sees this as proving them right. The team member is ill-equipped.

The real kicker here is this: Employees whom you’ve identified as weak performers are living down to your expectations! Let’s look at a standard flow of this self-fulfilling process.

The relationship is workable/functional. ---> Something happens that’s unfavorable (a deadline is missed or a performance was lackluster) thus you begin to micromanage. ---> The employee starts to doubt him or herself due to your (the manager’s) confidence in delivery. They begin to avoid making decisions (aren’t you going to make them, anyway?). ---> Manager views this behavior as proof of mediocracy and tighten the rope further.

The behaviors go ‘round and ‘round and worsen with each spin.

What's the cost of set-up-to-fail?

• Employees are defeated (no longer ask for help, or offer suggestions, and grow defensive).

• The organization no longer gets the most from their employee(s) who suffer from this.

• Team cohesion decreases as more effective members are asked to take on more responsibilities, and the weak are given menial tasks. Unfair separation of work causes tension. There's also discomfort watching one team member be belittled.

• The boss/manager loses energy. He or she is spending it (energy & time) in destructive ways --following the "lesser employee" around. They may even earn a harmful reputation (e.g., micromanagement, being unfair, etc.).

How do you reverse this situation?

You don’t want your team to fail. It hurts you and it hurts the company for which you work. Here are some tips to help you reverse and/or avoid the SUTF syndrome:

• Set expectations early. Recorded expectations may be my favorite proactive step in the workplace. It demonstrates transparency, ownership (for all parties), and it minimizes ambiguity. If someone doesn’t follow-through, there’s a clear record.

• Convey openness. This is a big one. If you say you’re "open to openness" – even difficult conversations – and then never set the stage for these discussions, that’s on you! Consistency, and following through, is important and helpful for building a functional working relationship.

• What are the facts? The moment you feel someone is under-performing, or they missed a deadline, review the facts. Were there expectations? If there were, did you set them to accomplish a task they weren’t qualified for? Should this change your opinion of them as a person? [This is not a feeling-based assessment. This is about challenging your perceptions with facts.]

The truth is, the difficulty of undoing full-blown SUTF syndrome can be challenging. People are more perceptive than we give them credit for. They know when they’re part of an out-group and they know when there’s no trust.

If you think you have team members who are wearing the SUTF cap, there are clear steps to take to help the two (or more) of you get back to a healthy working paradigm. If you want to make sure you’re not falling into the trap, drop me a line. We can come up with a clear and actionable plan that’s tailored to your team.