Repairing the Relationship

Just as most things in life change, such as seasons or careers, our relationships change too. As some relationships evolve, this can be incredibly advantageous or fulfilling. Whether your network has expanded or you’ve been fortunate to make a lifelong friend, the dynamic of relationships will change. But in some cases, relationships may start to feel stagnant, especially in the workplace. This unwelcome change in interpersonal communication can cause conflict and be the thread that starts to unravel a functional team. 

I have written plenty about conflict but when a team’s cohesion is strong and then an interpersonal dynamic alters the course, it can be incredibly challenging to diagnose the issue and manage it appropriately. Some managers may be stumped. “Everything was going fine.” If you happen to be in this situation, ask yourself what has changed. Then, consider group feedback: take a temperature on the workgroup dynamics… Including how you may have changed in your recent engagements. Then, seek resolve. Is the conflict among team members, with you and another member of the group, or something else?

Signs of disengagement will tell you when you need to intervene and bring the team’s communication back to the forefront. (These signs include frequent mistakes in work, complaining regularly, hearsay and gossip, using time unwisely, entitled behavior, and more.) You may need to change how you motivate, or you may need to come up with an action plan with the member who is seemingly changing the dynamic with the team. 

The first step: get to the source and aim to connect before redirecting. What this entails is to aim to remove ego from the situation. Seek to understand, not yet “to fix.” Once a team member understands your interest in listening, he or she is more likely to open up. Then, reflect on that conversation and craft a plan for next steps.

These next steps might include the creation of a team charter, new accountabilities or a change in responsibility, a change in reporting structure, and/or a regular (not necessarily frequent) 1:1 to repair the damaged relationship.

People management is simply not easy. But, typically, there is a solution to combating disengagement and repairing the relationship. Not sure where to start? Let’s brainstorm.

Improve Your Managerial Communication

The list of reasons managers must have strong communication skills runs long. Increased motivation and thus productivity. Trust establishment and thus stronger team cohesion. Transparency and thus decreased conflict. 

You might be thinking, I try to be a good manager, but there is certainly still conflict on my team, or perhaps a disengaged team member, or even a personal rift. What then, might you do differently to help drive your team toward unity? The answer, in most circumstances, is communication. 

Communicating is far more than the words we speak. Communication encompasses tone, body language, semantics and framing. With even one aspect amiss, conflict can surface unnecessarily. 

While it’s quite simple to list all of the benefits of improved communication, let’s discuss a handful of ways you can improve communication on your team readily:

Showing appreciation. 

It is far too easy to let a good job go unnoticed. We become accustomed to calling out challenges or work that was not done adequately, far more than we take the time to appreciate the work that has been done well. Step one: Seek an opportunity to appreciate each team member for the work they are doing (with sincerity). 

Displaying empathy. 

We all have challenges. We all face daily struggles. Especially when a challenge relates to work, demonstrating empathy can go a long way. Note that expressing empathy does not mean you need to focus on the negatives nor does it give a person a free pass for making an error (if that is the case). Rather, acknowledging that missing a deadline or getting something wrong is indeed challenging... And work on solutiions. 

Actively listening.

Listening is a topic I write a fair bit about. It is foundational to relationships and, at work, it can make the difference between efficiency and meetings wasted. Demonstrate comprehension by making sure you can repeat what is being said to you. Put the attention-takers away (tablets/phones/etc.) and be present when your team is speaking. 

Collaborating. 

Seek to establish team camaraderie through collaboration. Brainstorming, ideating, and seeking solutions to problems as a group, are all examples of collaboration. Collaboration can drive innovation and it can offer an opportunity for involvement from all team levels, resulting in increased contentment levels from individual contributors.

Listening Learnings

In my last post, I spoke about listening when you can’t hear. A true challenge that can end in people filling the void with their voice because it’s the only voice they hear well. But in the circumstance when you can hear well in general, are you being intentional about listening? 

In my coaching series, a focus area is that of listening. With each person who works with me, we dive into not only the types of listening (discriminative, comprehensive, critical, etc.), but the essentiality of the skill. Listening is indeed a skill, and it is one we do not often hone. Because of our broad ability to hear as a sense, we confuse this gift with being thoughtful about listening well. 

Walk down this path with me. Think of a person in your life who is a terrible listener. Perhaps he or she interjects, finishes your sentences, gazes into space, takes a phone call, responds to text messages, and has side-bar conversations. How does that person make you feel? Nine out of 10 times, the responses to this question are similar. When not listened to, people feel rejected, dismissed, unimportant, an inconvenience, insecure, or frustrated. But wait, what’s the flip? Think of a person in your life who is a strong listener. Someone who paraphrases your words, demonstrates through body language they are engaged, and maintains eye contact. How does this person make you feel? Again, sentiments are shared: the person who is listened to feels validated, heard, and at ease. (Is it any wonder we have an anxious generation??) 

Now that we’ve identified just some of the emotional value in listening to others, what else can it accomplish? Listening well can minimize miscommunication, establish trust, and even save time.

Just today, I can think of several examples I experienced and witnessed of others not listening well (or at all). While the act of listening can certainly improve interpersonal communication, it really is a tool to lean into when it comes to being a people manager. Setting a tone that your staff is worthy of being listened to is instrumental to your managerial skills.

Are you pretty confident you are a good listener? I guarantee you there is work to be done and I’ll be glad to help.

Should You Be A Manager?

In working with my client base, it’s always so fascinating to learn how each person landed in their managerial role. Some found themselves in management as a byproduct of working their way up the ladder (common). Others knew they wanted to manage people and were keen to become a people manager. Still, there are others who find themselves in management and find the daily push/pull of being both a producer of work and managing a team challenging. If we know anything about people we know this summary resonates: everyone is a little bit different.

But what’s so telling to me is when an, now-manager, shares his or her success as an individual contributor. Leaders of organizations assume that high performers should be capable of teaching their new team members how to be just like them. But what leaders fail at, at times, is assessing the personality profile of these individuals. Do they have the empathy it takes to be a people manager? Do they know how to listen? Do they have the patience to teach someone something when there’s a learning curve? 

Often high performers are just that: high performers. They are exceptional at their trade but have a hard time transitioning those skills to management. They’re promoted regardless and this is when rubber hits the road. Senior leadership will be served well if they not only provide education to new managers, but will also benefit from learning individual career aspirations. Perhaps an individual contributor should remain just that. Organizations that can create different pathways for upward mobility which do not all revolve around managerial requirements are poised to increase engagement and retention. 

Idea in brief: If you are considering a promotion for a stellar individual contributor, learn what they ultimately want to do at the organization. If they never managed before, but have interest in building a cohesive team, be sure you are providing them with the education to succeed.