Repairing the Relationship

Just as most things in life change, such as seasons or careers, our relationships change too. As some relationships evolve, this can be incredibly advantageous or fulfilling. Whether your network has expanded or you’ve been fortunate to make a lifelong friend, the dynamic of relationships will change. But in some cases, relationships may start to feel stagnant, especially in the workplace. This unwelcome change in interpersonal communication can cause conflict and be the thread that starts to unravel a functional team. 

I have written plenty about conflict but when a team’s cohesion is strong and then an interpersonal dynamic alters the course, it can be incredibly challenging to diagnose the issue and manage it appropriately. Some managers may be stumped. “Everything was going fine.” If you happen to be in this situation, ask yourself what has changed. Then, consider group feedback: take a temperature on the workgroup dynamics… Including how you may have changed in your recent engagements. Then, seek resolve. Is the conflict among team members, with you and another member of the group, or something else?

Signs of disengagement will tell you when you need to intervene and bring the team’s communication back to the forefront. (These signs include frequent mistakes in work, complaining regularly, hearsay and gossip, using time unwisely, entitled behavior, and more.) You may need to change how you motivate, or you may need to come up with an action plan with the member who is seemingly changing the dynamic with the team. 

The first step: get to the source and aim to connect before redirecting. What this entails is to aim to remove ego from the situation. Seek to understand, not yet “to fix.” Once a team member understands your interest in listening, he or she is more likely to open up. Then, reflect on that conversation and craft a plan for next steps.

These next steps might include the creation of a team charter, new accountabilities or a change in responsibility, a change in reporting structure, and/or a regular (not necessarily frequent) 1:1 to repair the damaged relationship.

People management is simply not easy. But, typically, there is a solution to combating disengagement and repairing the relationship. Not sure where to start? Let’s brainstorm.

Improve Your Managerial Communication

The list of reasons managers must have strong communication skills runs long. Increased motivation and thus productivity. Trust establishment and thus stronger team cohesion. Transparency and thus decreased conflict. 

You might be thinking, I try to be a good manager, but there is certainly still conflict on my team, or perhaps a disengaged team member, or even a personal rift. What then, might you do differently to help drive your team toward unity? The answer, in most circumstances, is communication. 

Communicating is far more than the words we speak. Communication encompasses tone, body language, semantics and framing. With even one aspect amiss, conflict can surface unnecessarily. 

While it’s quite simple to list all of the benefits of improved communication, let’s discuss a handful of ways you can improve communication on your team readily:

Showing appreciation. 

It is far too easy to let a good job go unnoticed. We become accustomed to calling out challenges or work that was not done adequately, far more than we take the time to appreciate the work that has been done well. Step one: Seek an opportunity to appreciate each team member for the work they are doing (with sincerity). 

Displaying empathy. 

We all have challenges. We all face daily struggles. Especially when a challenge relates to work, demonstrating empathy can go a long way. Note that expressing empathy does not mean you need to focus on the negatives nor does it give a person a free pass for making an error (if that is the case). Rather, acknowledging that missing a deadline or getting something wrong is indeed challenging... And work on solutiions. 

Actively listening.

Listening is a topic I write a fair bit about. It is foundational to relationships and, at work, it can make the difference between efficiency and meetings wasted. Demonstrate comprehension by making sure you can repeat what is being said to you. Put the attention-takers away (tablets/phones/etc.) and be present when your team is speaking. 

Collaborating. 

Seek to establish team camaraderie through collaboration. Brainstorming, ideating, and seeking solutions to problems as a group, are all examples of collaboration. Collaboration can drive innovation and it can offer an opportunity for involvement from all team levels, resulting in increased contentment levels from individual contributors.

Listening Learnings

In my last post, I spoke about listening when you can’t hear. A true challenge that can end in people filling the void with their voice because it’s the only voice they hear well. But in the circumstance when you can hear well in general, are you being intentional about listening? 

In my coaching series, a focus area is that of listening. With each person who works with me, we dive into not only the types of listening (discriminative, comprehensive, critical, etc.), but the essentiality of the skill. Listening is indeed a skill, and it is one we do not often hone. Because of our broad ability to hear as a sense, we confuse this gift with being thoughtful about listening well. 

Walk down this path with me. Think of a person in your life who is a terrible listener. Perhaps he or she interjects, finishes your sentences, gazes into space, takes a phone call, responds to text messages, and has side-bar conversations. How does that person make you feel? Nine out of 10 times, the responses to this question are similar. When not listened to, people feel rejected, dismissed, unimportant, an inconvenience, insecure, or frustrated. But wait, what’s the flip? Think of a person in your life who is a strong listener. Someone who paraphrases your words, demonstrates through body language they are engaged, and maintains eye contact. How does this person make you feel? Again, sentiments are shared: the person who is listened to feels validated, heard, and at ease. (Is it any wonder we have an anxious generation??) 

Now that we’ve identified just some of the emotional value in listening to others, what else can it accomplish? Listening well can minimize miscommunication, establish trust, and even save time.

Just today, I can think of several examples I experienced and witnessed of others not listening well (or at all). While the act of listening can certainly improve interpersonal communication, it really is a tool to lean into when it comes to being a people manager. Setting a tone that your staff is worthy of being listened to is instrumental to your managerial skills.

Are you pretty confident you are a good listener? I guarantee you there is work to be done and I’ll be glad to help.

How to Listen When You Can't Hear

In recent sessions with a client, we have been exploring the (seemingly) fading skill of listening. In our individualistic culture, speaking more than listening is often encouraged and even rewarded. Dependent on the company culture, I’ve even observed silence being perceived as a weakness. But there is a fine line: speak too much and you may be viewed as being overbearing, having a low EQ, or even being an egomaniac… and this is precisely why focusing on the art of listening is warranted. But, if you speak too little, team members might struggle to understand what you’re thinking or contributing. What we miss here is that we can do both: we can speak intentionally and listen intently.

This client has stretched my perspective. We had to assess the nuances of listening when also dealing with a hearing impairment. In fact, it was this client who requested I write about what people should do when they have a hearing challenge and are asked to be good listeners. As we’ve worked together we have been pulling apart the complexities of not hearing well and creating opportunities for others to speak. This is a challenging task when there’s a fear of not hearing the person you’ve asked for input from. 

We discovered solutions together:

• The closed caption option on video chat technology (Microsoft Teams, Google Hangouts, etc.) is quite good and can be accessed easily.

• Being vulnerable and sharing a physical challenge with team members not only allows room for empathy, it helps individuals feel more comfortable asking if they were heard (rather than assuming what they said simply wasn’t interesting enough to be responded to).
  

What we also uncovered is that there can be trepidation about not filling the talking void. It can be uncomfortable waiting for someone else to chime in when it’s easier to hear yourself talk. You know what you’re thinking, and therefore do not have to worry about not being heard. By pausing, and allowing others more time to speak, you open yourself up to potentially not hearing them, which can be challenging. But, as mentioned, it is less daunting if you have already disclosed any impairment upfront. What’s more, sharing any hearing challenges can decrease the probability of conflict and make for more effective workplace communication.

What’s interesting is that even if you do not have any challenges with hearing, these tips are still applicable. Are you being thoughtful about others’ thoughts? Are you taking up the bulk of the talk time to overcompensate for an insecurity? If you can start to ask yourself these questions, you are on your way to being a better listener.