Repairing the Relationship

Just as most things in life change, such as seasons or careers, our relationships change too. As some relationships evolve, this can be incredibly advantageous or fulfilling. Whether your network has expanded or you’ve been fortunate to make a lifelong friend, the dynamic of relationships will change. But in some cases, relationships may start to feel stagnant, especially in the workplace. This unwelcome change in interpersonal communication can cause conflict and be the thread that starts to unravel a functional team. 

I have written plenty about conflict but when a team’s cohesion is strong and then an interpersonal dynamic alters the course, it can be incredibly challenging to diagnose the issue and manage it appropriately. Some managers may be stumped. “Everything was going fine.” If you happen to be in this situation, ask yourself what has changed. Then, consider group feedback: take a temperature on the workgroup dynamics… Including how you may have changed in your recent engagements. Then, seek resolve. Is the conflict among team members, with you and another member of the group, or something else?

Signs of disengagement will tell you when you need to intervene and bring the team’s communication back to the forefront. (These signs include frequent mistakes in work, complaining regularly, hearsay and gossip, using time unwisely, entitled behavior, and more.) You may need to change how you motivate, or you may need to come up with an action plan with the member who is seemingly changing the dynamic with the team. 

The first step: get to the source and aim to connect before redirecting. What this entails is to aim to remove ego from the situation. Seek to understand, not yet “to fix.” Once a team member understands your interest in listening, he or she is more likely to open up. Then, reflect on that conversation and craft a plan for next steps.

These next steps might include the creation of a team charter, new accountabilities or a change in responsibility, a change in reporting structure, and/or a regular (not necessarily frequent) 1:1 to repair the damaged relationship.

People management is simply not easy. But, typically, there is a solution to combating disengagement and repairing the relationship. Not sure where to start? Let’s brainstorm.

Just in Time for the Holidays: Tips on Managing Conflict

Conflict is like change – it’s constant. With the holidays in full swing, you are bound to face conflict in the coming weeks. But how can you best address it? Continue reading…

Conflict, and the stress that comes along with it, can be a key contributor to health problems, e.g., sleep issues, excessive eating, and can even increase the likelihood of a heart attack. And, stress is often associated with the holiday season. The good news is this: You can at least effectively manage the stress that derives from conflict by understanding the following…

There are four primary types of conflict. These include Relationship Conflict, Task Conflict, Process Conflict, and Status Conflict. While we see all four types of conflict in places of work, we typically see Relationship and Process Conflict in the home, which is what we will focus on today since you’re about to see relatives and might be responsible for this year’s cooking.

Relational conflict revolves around personal issues. It’s a feeling we know too well — a clash of personality, so to speak. These relationship-related forms of conflict consist of communication cues such as avoiding eye contact, using condescending tones during discussions, or sudden outbursts of anger / a rise in voice to one another.

When we manage this form of conflict well, we will learn more about ourselves and others. With the ability to not engage in these emotionally-charged behaviors, you can actually gain insight: If someone is reactive, what type of communication may you need to use with them in the future? If you're being difficult (let's face it, we know when we are) you should think about why. There’s a concept called “regulatory fit.” This simply means that we are more likely to put effort into the things we like doing. If you do not enjoy interacting with someone, you likely do not put effort into it, and this can lead to contempt. Thus, your knowledge of this should help you soften your edges.

And then there’s Process conflict. You’ll see this one this season as well — this refers to how something gets done, how quickly, and even who gets consulted in the process... Think: “That’s not how you wrap the presents, Sally.” or “You didn’t ask my mom for her opinion on the recipe?!” (At work, this can manifest itself through a disagreement in how you should implement policies, how quickly something should be rolled out, or who should be consulted. These are all relevant to the “how.”)

The variance in how we do something can actually be enlightening. It brings about hidden solutions. On many occasions I had team members share how they completed something, or how they reached an outcome. I not only was pleased they found a new method, but they taught me something in the process. When the in-laws’ way of doing things seem somewhat abstract, keep an open mind. Not sweating over the small stuff will ease conflict and your blood pressure.

My Boss Never Learned How to Manage (Well)

If you follow me, you know I write about how to manage well, and that good managers are ultimately leaders. As perplexing as this concept might be, it’s actually quite intuitive, as Lisa Gillette and I spoke about last week. As a manager you must be tactical and manage a process; as a leader your job is to inspire and motivate your people.

If the focus is on procedural cadence alone, a manager may be quick to critique and slow to encourage (forgetting that vital human element). And herein lies a shared sentiment among many: "My boss never learned how to manage well.”

I am confident in my assertion that control-based issues (which inspires fears in team members and not empowerment) is a direct result of insecurity. But this isn’t shocking if your manager was never taught how to manage. [Spoiler: Most people aren’t and you might not be able to wait for them to get savvy.]

A common theme I witness in start-ups and mid-sized corporations alike, is a severe case of control through intimidation and minimization. In long form, they need everyone - especially those senior to them - to think they know what they’re doing, even amidst arguable incompetence. And, what’s more, this energy permeates throughout the team with credit theft at the helm.

This raises a combination of issues to address, but we’ll focus on just one to start: What do you do when your boss is quick to minimize (pointing fingers or never taking ownership), and slow to award credit or give recognition for your work? 

It's not about you.
When your boss is reactive and dismissive, it's hard not to take it personally. So what can you do about it? You can count to 10 and take deep breaths (to engage your parasympathetic nervous system); You can realize that this is a communication inadequacy, and you can talk to them about it. “When I hear you respond this way it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. Am I misunderstanding you?” You can tell them what you need: Your manager may need to smooth some rough edges, but they also are not mind readers.

Communicate.
Ah, yes, the notorious directive to communicate. But seriously. Sometimes managers are in their emotional brain - waving through the motions and focusing only on work output, with little empathy or concern for others. But what happens when a level-headed team member raises concerns about this behavior? I'll tell you what: They are taken aback and it just may encourage some self-reflection.

Here are three communication talk tracks that you can adopt or tweak for your comfort level when you're feeling belittled:

1. "In order for me to be the most effective I can be, I need to feel supported and I am not receiving that [support] [recognition] [respect]. Are you willing to work with me toward rectification?"

2. "It seems there's concern around my capabilities. What can I do to earn your trust?" 

3. "I suspect we can be more effective; Can you help me understand your frustration toward me?" 

The best thing to do when you're addressing conflict, especially of this nature, is to remain calm and clear-headed. Envision yourself assuming an inquisitive nature, not a combative one. Note: Being calm does not minimize your strength! Ultimately, addressing these issues can change your manager's behavior, improving the environment you face each day. 

Even if your boss never learned how to manage well, don’t lose hope yet. Take it upon yourself to manage-up and try the above. Questions or comments? Feel free to share. 

What Makes Us Who We Are?

Well, who we are and who we become is comprised of many elements. Our experiences, beliefs, perception of identity, interpersonal relationships, upbringing… All of these facets contribute to the greater construct of our being. 

Often who we are is driven by what we want and what brings meaning, fortune, or happiness to life.  

The COVID-19 pandemic threw a wrench in the process of creating or maintaining our identity. It changed not only how we got our meaning but it changed our motivation too.

I love large public speaking engagements and I enjoy meeting with my clients face-to-face. This all changed with the pandemic. Not only was I unable to engage in intellectually stimulating conversations without getting eye fatigue, but I could not get the same response to presentations that I had grown accustomed to. Rather than gaining motivation from those talks, I was being drained of all my energy. The absence of observed interest and comprehension through body language really made my virtual sessions, talks, and the like a challenge for me. 

We all have a story like this. Our plans were derailed unexpectedly and swiftly. 

Rather than focus on the (many) challenges we’ve observed though -- from illness to layoffs to virtual schooling -- we must try to use this as a learning tool for the future. Part of this learning requires us to become aware of the fact that we can become easily attached to an "ideal state" regardless of whether we are fully in control (think career progression, childcare, etc.).

Could you control a global pandemic? No. Do you have every right to be disappointed about a different reality? Sure. But herein lies an opportunity to capture what it is that we love(d) so dearly about life before COVID-19... For example, Gathering. Presenting. Teaching. Learning. The list goes on. But, more importantly, what motivated you to keep going? What enabled belonging and happiness?  

With the Delta variant alive and well I am re-visiting the hard facts of what is and is not in my control and am seeking solutions to progress with honing my skills regardless of the motivation output vs. input reality. This adaptation and acceptance of doing business differently will, ultimately, provide me with a new skill and will also teach me more about just what it is that makes me tick. In the process, I will learn the power of being in the moment -- ultimately leading to a unique embrace of taking it as it comes in an effort to live a more contented life. 

Identify where your motivation is rooted, and adapt to the circumstance.

First posted on LinkedIn.