My Boss Never Learned How to Manage (Well)

If you follow me, you know I write about how to manage well, and that good managers are ultimately leaders. As perplexing as this concept might be, it’s actually quite intuitive, as Lisa Gillette and I spoke about last week. As a manager you must be tactical and manage a process; as a leader your job is to inspire and motivate your people.

If the focus is on procedural cadence alone, a manager may be quick to critique and slow to encourage (forgetting that vital human element). And herein lies a shared sentiment among many: "My boss never learned how to manage well.”

I am confident in my assertion that control-based issues (which inspires fears in team members and not empowerment) is a direct result of insecurity. But this isn’t shocking if your manager was never taught how to manage. [Spoiler: Most people aren’t and you might not be able to wait for them to get savvy.]

A common theme I witness in start-ups and mid-sized corporations alike, is a severe case of control through intimidation and minimization. In long form, they need everyone - especially those senior to them - to think they know what they’re doing, even amidst arguable incompetence. And, what’s more, this energy permeates throughout the team with credit theft at the helm.

This raises a combination of issues to address, but we’ll focus on just one to start: What do you do when your boss is quick to minimize (pointing fingers or never taking ownership), and slow to award credit or give recognition for your work? 

It's not about you.
When your boss is reactive and dismissive, it's hard not to take it personally. So what can you do about it? You can count to 10 and take deep breaths (to engage your parasympathetic nervous system); You can realize that this is a communication inadequacy, and you can talk to them about it. “When I hear you respond this way it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. Am I misunderstanding you?” You can tell them what you need: Your manager may need to smooth some rough edges, but they also are not mind readers.

Communicate.
Ah, yes, the notorious directive to communicate. But seriously. Sometimes managers are in their emotional brain - waving through the motions and focusing only on work output, with little empathy or concern for others. But what happens when a level-headed team member raises concerns about this behavior? I'll tell you what: They are taken aback and it just may encourage some self-reflection.

Here are three communication talk tracks that you can adopt or tweak for your comfort level when you're feeling belittled:

1. "In order for me to be the most effective I can be, I need to feel supported and I am not receiving that [support] [recognition] [respect]. Are you willing to work with me toward rectification?"

2. "It seems there's concern around my capabilities. What can I do to earn your trust?" 

3. "I suspect we can be more effective; Can you help me understand your frustration toward me?" 

The best thing to do when you're addressing conflict, especially of this nature, is to remain calm and clear-headed. Envision yourself assuming an inquisitive nature, not a combative one. Note: Being calm does not minimize your strength! Ultimately, addressing these issues can change your manager's behavior, improving the environment you face each day. 

Even if your boss never learned how to manage well, don’t lose hope yet. Take it upon yourself to manage-up and try the above. Questions or comments? Feel free to share. 

Full: The Conflict Fuel Tank

As I coach tenured and new managers, one of the many recurring themes I hear about is the rampant interpersonal conflict within organizations. If there is conflict, the organization is not unique; in fact, if business owners believe there is little conflict among their team members, I am comfortable telling them they are wrong. 

Conflict avoidance is something we learn from a young age. Rather than addressing the way we feel, we look to our caregivers to fix the discomfort. While I am not suggesting you leave your young children to fight their battles on the playground without guidance, I do think there is validity in fighting our own battles from a young(ish) age. We were conditioned to have the parent, the sitter, the teacher, and then the boss, help fix our problems. Yes, I am a proponent of assisting employees in sorting through issues, but it is not about “doing it for them.” The enablement concept is closely linked with employee entitlement (and let’s make sure we are not encouraging that). 

The key here: do not avoid the topics that cause tension (employees often want to go around the issues) but instead we need to work through them. 

Avoidance of conflict, which mainly is attributed to our golden conditioning of thinking conflict is terrible, only fills the gas tank. Rather than simple disagreement, conflict is stored and builds upon itself. The person with whom you had a conflict now appears only to be or bring bad news. Typically, this is not the case – but we have filed it in our brain bank as “bad.” 

If you reach this point, it is probable you think addressing conflict is too exhausting and time-consuming. But the truth is: you need to face conflict as it rises. When you do not, it becomes overwhelming. You end up anxious, overly angry, and unsure as to why you despise a person so vehemently. 

If your conflict fuel tank is overflowing, it is time to start addressing (through), not avoiding (around) it. 

This article was first published on LinkedIn.

There’s No Reasoning with a Bully.

Bullies are often associated with high school. Bullies will not exist in the later years of life, we told ourselves. Too bad we were all wrong. Bullies find a way to maintain their bully-like tendencies throughout life – regardless of social expectations. What’s more: their tactics have become honed! The bully’s behavior minimizes others, makes him or she feel better about themselves, and wreaks havoc upon anyone in their way. And yes, they are our colleagues. 

Although I like to envision a dramatized version of bullies (you cannot beat Biff’s bully persona in the beloved Back to the Future series), the reality is that we are surrounded by bullies, some of whom hold reputable and influential positions. If there is no reasoning with a bully (trust me, emotional intelligence is not their strong suit), what is the next best thing?

As a manager of people, the most significant power you possess is the ability to influence. If you have any chance at changing a bully’s behavior, it starts with you. Set a team policy for ethical behavior in the workplace. It is plausible your place of work has an ethics policy. If bullying is covered, great. Use that verbiage. If it isn’t, I encourage you to speak with leadership to incorporate an anti-bullying policy and/or edit the behavioral code of conduct. Use this as a guide not only for yourself, but for your team. Regularly communicate the updated (or same) ethics code/code of conduct policy within your coterie. Being able to walk the walk is of utmost importance here.

OK, you have an updated policy, as well as a new schedule to convey expectations of behavior in accordance with the ethics policy/anti-bullying policy. Yet, nothing has changed…

Next step: Incorporate respectful and civil behavioral components/expectations into your performance management metrics for your team. This is a great way to hold your team accountable for their behaviors (and, quite frankly, should already be a part of evaluation metrics). We want to work with people we can trust and respect. The higher the trust, the higher the cohesion and productivity. If you make a change to the performance management metrics, make sure to communicate it out.

Following performance metric adjustments, ensure there is a process to report bullying in the organization. If there is no existing process, collaborate with human resources to implement a company-wide program. It is essential any bullied team member feel they can disclose their concerns without ramifications. [Note: It is not unusual for a bully to demand much of a manager’s time. Keep track of this. Are your other team members getting what they need from you?]

Now that organizational measures have been considered and/or implemented and expectations are clearly conveyed, it might be time for a corrective discussion. My recommendation for conflict resolution of this caliber is to practice a tactic called Principled Negotiation. It consists of (1) Separating the people from the problem (2) Focusing on interests, not positions, (3) Inventing options for mutual gains, and (4) Insisting on using objective criteria. Ideally, bullying will be seen as an organizational issue, not an individual / team level issue. If the organization has exhausted all options, including those above, experienced conflict resolution tactics should be deployed.

Slowly, but surely, there will be no space for bullies in our places of work.