When I commence work with a client, I notice in our preliminary discussion whether or not someone is well adept at active listening or if it's going to be a focal point for our work together. The importance of active listening cannot be overstated. It establishes trust, offers validation, and is even a brain exercise from which we benefit. Then why do so few people listen well?

The two forms of listening are discriminative and comprehensive. Discriminative is developed at an early age and is the most basic form of listening. It does not require the understanding of words, but focuses on sound and allows us to distinguish the subtleties of people who are happy or sad, angry or stressed. It's the superpower of "how someone is saying something." Meanwhile, comprehensive listening involves understanding messages that are being communicated. Like discriminative listening, comprehensive listening is fundamental to all listening sub-types. The listener first needs appropriate vocabulary and language skills to comprehend messages.

There are other forms of listening too - Critical, Therapeutic, and Appreciative. But we often are too busy listening to our own thoughts or are waiting to say our piece. We're not very good at active listening; in fact, we're downright bad at it. Listening actively is an analytical exercise. It requires concentration on *all* of what is said. Not only the words, but the tone being used and the body language choices. Your opportunity is to process that information as it's received, forming conclusions along the way (and not before someone is done speaking).

But instead, we're conditioned to think it's acceptable to look at the text message we just received, open an email from your archnemesis, swipe left (or is it right?) on Tinder, and attend to WhatsApp messages, Slack pings, or even contemplate dinner options... None of that is OK if you want to show others you care not only about them but about what they are saying.

The good news? Listening is a skill that can be learned and there are techniques you can use to improve your listening effectiveness. First, set expectations. In meetings, it's best to let your team know what is expected of them. Do you allow the team to be disengaged, looking at their phones, or do you expect them to participate fully, and be attentive to what's in front of them? Contrary to common belief, multitasking isn't all that it's chalked up to be (it takes a serious toll on productivity!). In my household, I simply will stop speaking until my husband is off his cellphone and I know he is able to listen to what it is I am saying.

Some tips for helping you become a better listener:

Identify Your Own Biases: Does the sound of someone's voice annoy you? Get past it and listen.
Keep an Open Mind: Do not jump to snap judgments. Ratiocinate and flex your critical thinking capabilities.
Mirror Back: Paraphrase what someone said to help your attention stay on that person and also to confirm you are understanding the intended message.
Overcoming External Distractions: Set those expectations and resist the urge to pick up your cellphone or respond to emails while in the process of listening. [Short on time? No problem, but communicate that at the forefront. Expectations are your friend.]

Bonne chance!

First published on LinkedIn