Take a Breath and Listen

Photo by Elice Moore on Unsplash

When I commence work with a client, I notice in our preliminary discussion whether or not someone is well adept at active listening or if it's going to be a focal point for our work together. The importance of active listening cannot be overstated. It establishes trust, offers validation, and is even a brain exercise from which we benefit. Then why do so few people listen well?

The two forms of listening are discriminative and comprehensive. Discriminative is developed at an early age and is the most basic form of listening. It does not require the understanding of words, but focuses on sound and allows us to distinguish the subtleties of people who are happy or sad, angry or stressed. It's the superpower of "how someone is saying something." Meanwhile, comprehensive listening involves understanding messages that are being communicated. Like discriminative listening, comprehensive listening is fundamental to all listening sub-types. The listener first needs appropriate vocabulary and language skills to comprehend messages.

There are other forms of listening too - Critical, Therapeutic, and Appreciative. But we often are too busy listening to our own thoughts or are waiting to say our piece. We're not very good at active listening; in fact, we're downright bad at it. Listening actively is an analytical exercise. It requires concentration on *all* of what is said. Not only the words, but the tone being used and the body language choices. Your opportunity is to process that information as it's received, forming conclusions along the way (and not before someone is done speaking).

But instead, we're conditioned to think it's acceptable to look at the text message we just received, open an email from your archnemesis, swipe left (or is it right?) on Tinder, and attend to WhatsApp messages, Slack pings, or even contemplate dinner options... None of that is OK if you want to show others you care not only about them but about what they are saying.

The good news? Listening is a skill that can be learned and there are techniques you can use to improve your listening effectiveness. First, set expectations. In meetings, it's best to let your team know what is expected of them. Do you allow the team to be disengaged, looking at their phones, or do you expect them to participate fully, and be attentive to what's in front of them? Contrary to common belief, multitasking isn't all that it's chalked up to be (it takes a serious toll on productivity!). In my household, I simply will stop speaking until my husband is off his cellphone and I know he is able to listen to what it is I am saying.

Some tips for helping you become a better listener:

• Identify Your Own Biases: Does the sound of someone's voice annoy you? Get past it and listen.

• Keep an Open Mind: Do not jump to snap judgments. Ratiocinate and flex your critical thinking capabilities.

• Mirror Back: Paraphrase what someone said to help your attention stay on that person and also to confirm you are understanding the intended message.

• Overcoming External Distractions: Set those expectations and resist the urge to pick up your cellphone or respond to emails while in the process of listening. [Short on time? No problem, but communicate that at the forefront. Expectations are your friend.]

Bonne chance!

First published on LinkedIn

Need a Differentiator? Master EQ.

If you think about it, what is the common thread throughout all business?  People.

Emotional intelligence is defined in a myriad of ways, but the short and sweet version: it is the ability for a person to be aware of their feelings and others, while also controlling emotions, being thoughtful with responses.

Whether we are communicating with a family member, or a Fortune 100 company, understanding others, acting empathetically, and adjusting for the environment is 

Positivity Meets Reality: The world is not perfect, no. Far from it in fact. Yet, positive people often lift those up around them and approach issues as opportunities. When people are able to take challenges or obstacles and look at them for what they are - challenging but not life-threatening – the positive outlook perseveres.

Stress Management:  How do you manage your stress? Whether someone cuts you off on the highway or smacks you in the face with an umbrella (more common in NYC), that is no reason to let your day unravel. I propose: be aware of your frustration, recognize it for what it is, accept it, and move on. Deep breathing helps (as does some intense exercise!).

Take note: Facial expressions and body language speak loudly. If someone is avoiding eye contact or shifting their weight, is the conversation worth having? Or, is someone beginning to stir with anger? Being aware of others’ behaviors and body language can help circumvent heightened arguments or can save time. Hold the challenging discussion for time all parties can be attentive and thoughtful.

Higher EQ supports team alignment, reduces conflict, lowers stress, and fuels the positivity tank. Unsurprisingly, positive spins result in proactivity and solution-focused perspectives, as opposed to reactivity (its evil twin).

Keep fighting the good fight!

First published on LinkedIn

What Are You Staring At?

We’ve all encountered this less-fortunate circumstance. We are speaking with someone and they are unintentionally (let’s hope it’s unintentional) staring blankly back at you. Their face is telling you they either care little for what you are saying, or they must have forgotten to take out the cat’s litter box.

What this tells us is two-fold:

1. Our physical actions speak volumes (especially when in opposition to the words coming out of our mouths).
2. We need to be cognizant of what our face says – and our body – not only when we are speaking, but when we are listening.

Common traits of effective leaders include intelligence, confidence, charisma, determination, integrity, and sociability. Typically, too, these traits are conveyed early in your interactions. Early impressions are made in less than seven seconds so we better be ready.

Be in the here and now.

In our digital age we are conditioned to be easily distracted. Whether it’s the laptop in front of you, the cell phone by your side, or the multiple alerts you’re receiving on your smart watch, we are beyond skillful at being anywhere but in the present moment. Not only does presence in and of itself encourage active listening, it ultimately saves time. When we actually hear something the first time, it does not have to be repeated. When there’s recognition of comprehension, conflict is less likely. Temporarily putting devices “on the shelf,” so to speak, will even improve relationships. Whether it’s your colleague or your spouse, you will be viewed as more engaged and respectful.  

Posture.

It’s a silent orchestra playing to your tune. Are you timid, embarrassed, and void of confidence? Or, do you believe in what you are saying, and can subtly encourage active listening with the ever-slight adjustment to your up-right position?  (It’s OK if you just corrected your posture as you read this!)

Hand Movement.

An incredibly helpful tidbit I learned was from a speech communication professor. I have always communicated with my hands – but I found out I tend to err on the “too much hand movement” side of the scale. (I’m part Italian, it’s not my fault.) What I learned was important: too much hand movement can take away from what you’re saying – not add. This is particularly true for those who really need to focus on what it is you're saying (remember, not everyone is an auditory learner).

You may think it’s tedious but record yourself speaking. I know it seems rudimentary, but it’s not. You’ll witness your flailing arms – or lack thereof (let’s not look like we have cement in our fingers, either) and adjust accordingly.

Another note on hand movement: Just as frequency of use is important, so too are the formations. If you envision being scolded by a parent, what do you see? Pointed fingers. If you are aiming to influence a group of people, I do not advise leveraging “the point.” On the other hand, visualize someone welcoming you to their home. Do open arms come to mind? It’s been found a slight openness of the hands as you speak, present, etc., helps convey openness, collaboration, and trustworthiness.

More insights on powerful communication will be published soon! In the meantime, be cognizant of your posture, your digital etiquette, and your hand movements to ensure you are conveying the message you desire.