You're now well-versed on the four major types of work conflict. Now let's discuss your options for handling them.
1.) Do nothing.
What this isn't: It's not storming away or acting disgruntled. This isn't an excuse to act poorly. This is simply an option to keep the discontentment to yourself, rather than raising the issue.
At times, a colleague may have been very stern in their delivery of a statement -- the point was clear. It may be worth asking yourself if the topic is worth pushing, even if you disagree. Do you expect a different answer?
Red light: If these issues are recurring, you may begin to resent the other party. You don’t want to react or behave poorly. This is why actively choosing to do nothing is an option in handling conflict. When it goes beyond tolerable, a different approach may be
necessary. This is not a pass to be passive aggressive.
When should you use the "do nothing" philosophy?
- You don’t have the energy or time to invest in having a conversation
- You suspect the other person is unwilling to have a constructive conversation
2.) Address indirectly.
This can be tricky. Addressing a conflict through superiors can be seen as passive. However, it can be just the thing to do in certain scenarios. An interesting cultural note here: in Western cultures, you may be perceived as weak or passive. Conversely, in many Asian cultures, a direct confrontation is unacceptable. Thus, you must understand your environment. Sometimes speaking in metaphors may educate a person about an issue, but you run the risk of this person missing the point.
When do you use this "indirectly" tactic?
- When it's unacceptable to engage in confrontation (i.e., cultural variance)
- You think the other party would not react negatively to receiving feedback from a third party
3.) Address directly.
A direct confrontation is when you speak to the other person (in the moment, or later in
time). Personally, I find I am best at addressing conflict later in time but indeed choose the "address directly" option. Knowing your tendency is incredibly useful when you're figuring out how to address conflict. Does your team deal with conflict similarly? Or, perhaps they are avoiders? This knowledge provides us insight into one another's preference, as well as providing insight into ourselves. If you are always an "address directly" type, do you have a reputation for being combative? The answer is likely yes, unless you're taking the appropriate steps to manage your behavior well.
In brief, to address directly, you explain your side of the conflict, listen to the other side, and then ideally reach a resolution. The key is to manage appropriately (we'll get to that).
When to use address directly:
- When there's lingering resentment
- You’ve tried doing nothing but the problem persists
The primary reason I prefer this method is because it can help relationships evolve into better ones. It also affords the opportunity to understand each party (including yourself), better.
4.) Exit the relationship.
Is departing the relationship extreme? Perhaps. But at times, it's necessary.
The exiting option is often the last resort, but is relatively painless when the exit is in dealing with third-party vendors or unhelpful external groups. I’m reminded of a favorite saying: "don’t go away mad, just go away." This isn't about tearing down the person who you are exiting, it's about separating yourself for your own health. Only you can control your actions in this situation, and by doing so in a delicate but intentional manner, you are setting your boundary and being fair in the process.
On the other hand, this can be painful if you're contemplating leaving your place of employment due to continued conflict. You may need to consider leaving the job entirely or changing departments. If you've hit this point, ask yourself if you've attempted the three steps above. If you have, and there's no resolve or change, the clean break may be your best option. Note: You may be the one perceived as difficult. Sometimes that's an acceptable risk to take.
When do you use this option?
- You’ve tried the other approaches (maybe even repeatedly)
- You can easily find a new job
While choosing how to handle a conflict may seem like a challenge, realize that others - your team, your colleagues, etc., may also be contemplating how they want to manage conflict – and you may be the recipient! (If you are on the receiving side, and they do NOT know how to handle this well, thus you have a screaming emotional human verbally attacking you, what do you do? Shoot me a note - I have some quick and calming tricks!)
Now, what are your options for managing a conflict? You have multiple and they are completely palatable (even if you never want to envision yourself facilitating this type of conversation). If you're interested in further education and coaching, you know how to reach me.
