Full: The Conflict Fuel Tank

As I coach tenured and new managers, one of the many recurring themes I hear about is the rampant interpersonal conflict within organizations. If there is conflict, the organization is not unique; in fact, if business owners believe there is little conflict among their team members, I am comfortable telling them they are wrong. 

Conflict avoidance is something we learn from a young age. Rather than addressing the way we feel, we look to our caregivers to fix the discomfort. While I am not suggesting you leave your young children to fight their battles on the playground without guidance, I do think there is validity in fighting our own battles from a young(ish) age. We were conditioned to have the parent, the sitter, the teacher, and then the boss, help fix our problems. Yes, I am a proponent of assisting employees in sorting through issues, but it is not about “doing it for them.” The enablement concept is closely linked with employee entitlement (and let’s make sure we are not encouraging that). 

The key here: do not avoid the topics that cause tension (employees often want to go around the issues) but instead we need to work through them. 

Avoidance of conflict, which mainly is attributed to our golden conditioning of thinking conflict is terrible, only fills the gas tank. Rather than simple disagreement, conflict is stored and builds upon itself. The person with whom you had a conflict now appears only to be or bring bad news. Typically, this is not the case – but we have filed it in our brain bank as “bad.” 

If you reach this point, it is probable you think addressing conflict is too exhausting and time-consuming. But the truth is: you need to face conflict as it rises. When you do not, it becomes overwhelming. You end up anxious, overly angry, and unsure as to why you despise a person so vehemently. 

If your conflict fuel tank is overflowing, it is time to start addressing (through), not avoiding (around) it. 

This article was first published on LinkedIn.

There’s No Reasoning with a Bully.

Bullies are often associated with high school. Bullies will not exist in the later years of life, we told ourselves. Too bad we were all wrong. Bullies find a way to maintain their bully-like tendencies throughout life – regardless of social expectations. What’s more: their tactics have become honed! The bully’s behavior minimizes others, makes him or she feel better about themselves, and wreaks havoc upon anyone in their way. And yes, they are our colleagues. 

Although I like to envision a dramatized version of bullies (you cannot beat Biff’s bully persona in the beloved Back to the Future series), the reality is that we are surrounded by bullies, some of whom hold reputable and influential positions. If there is no reasoning with a bully (trust me, emotional intelligence is not their strong suit), what is the next best thing?

As a manager of people, the most significant power you possess is the ability to influence. If you have any chance at changing a bully’s behavior, it starts with you. Set a team policy for ethical behavior in the workplace. It is plausible your place of work has an ethics policy. If bullying is covered, great. Use that verbiage. If it isn’t, I encourage you to speak with leadership to incorporate an anti-bullying policy and/or edit the behavioral code of conduct. Use this as a guide not only for yourself, but for your team. Regularly communicate the updated (or same) ethics code/code of conduct policy within your coterie. Being able to walk the walk is of utmost importance here.

OK, you have an updated policy, as well as a new schedule to convey expectations of behavior in accordance with the ethics policy/anti-bullying policy. Yet, nothing has changed…

Next step: Incorporate respectful and civil behavioral components/expectations into your performance management metrics for your team. This is a great way to hold your team accountable for their behaviors (and, quite frankly, should already be a part of evaluation metrics). We want to work with people we can trust and respect. The higher the trust, the higher the cohesion and productivity. If you make a change to the performance management metrics, make sure to communicate it out.

Following performance metric adjustments, ensure there is a process to report bullying in the organization. If there is no existing process, collaborate with human resources to implement a company-wide program. It is essential any bullied team member feel they can disclose their concerns without ramifications. [Note: It is not unusual for a bully to demand much of a manager’s time. Keep track of this. Are your other team members getting what they need from you?]

Now that organizational measures have been considered and/or implemented and expectations are clearly conveyed, it might be time for a corrective discussion. My recommendation for conflict resolution of this caliber is to practice a tactic called Principled Negotiation. It consists of (1) Separating the people from the problem (2) Focusing on interests, not positions, (3) Inventing options for mutual gains, and (4) Insisting on using objective criteria. Ideally, bullying will be seen as an organizational issue, not an individual / team level issue. If the organization has exhausted all options, including those above, experienced conflict resolution tactics should be deployed.

Slowly, but surely, there will be no space for bullies in our places of work.

Virtual Conflict: Prepare and Succeed

Teams are integral to accomplishing tasks. From concept to execution, a well-functioning team can make the difference between a poor deliverable and an exceptional one.

Teams fascinate me. They are comprised of humans… And humans are complex. Each person’s belief system is varied; our construction of family beliefs, acceptance to social norms, and religious influence all effect how we communicate.

There’s a never-ending number of variables when dealing with people, which makes it understandable interpersonal conflict is a frequent visitor. In the context of work, employee conflicts can be poisonous. Morale crashes, productivity plummets, and key projects very well may suffer.

I am continuously asked how to manage conflict. One person’s resolve is another’s nightmare. I’ve talked about conflict before. First, you need to know the primary types of conflict.

Then, it’s helpful to know what your options are for handling conflict. But what about the benefits of handling conflict? Do you ever wonder what you’re working toward?

The beauty in conflict is that well-managed conflicts can increase trust, respect, and intimacy among employees within and across teams.  The challenge arises when conflict is occurring amidst virtual teams. Do not underestimate the helpfulness of face-to-face time. Personal interaction increases empathy. Without that human touch, task-based conflict can become personal conflict. Remember: use video chat features whenever possible!

If you find yourself managing a virtual team, it will help you to be cognizant the probability of task-based conflict turning into personal conflict is high. How do you prepare to support virtual teamwork?  

Prior to online learning, I would not have found this solution so powerful, but in looking at the research from Ann Majchrzak who has studied virtual projects at many organizations, she found successful teams use one important tool: a discussion board. 

A discussion board demands a shared virtual workspace. In our global and connected workforce, a virtual workspace is easy to come by. Here are the advantages in implementing a discussion board for your virtual team:

• Just like Slack, IM, or any chat feature, communication is often instant. That regularity in communicating creates a norm that accepts on-demand Q&A, regardless of a scheduled time to speak with the team. What this does is empower the team to ask questions while simultaneously offering visibility to the rest of the team. Others may share the same concern. Rather than let an issue fester – waiting for the opportune time to broach the topic (and then you find out it isn’t an issue to begin with!) – the discussion board forum allows transparency as well as communication frequency.

• It’s not helpful to have five different resources to communicate through. Thus, if you are working with a virtual team, set expectations for how inquiries should be conveyed. Don’t leave the team to guess if they should be communicating via email, phone, chat, discussion board (or anything in between!).

• Having an open forum for team collaboration and discussion will elicit honestly and varied perspectives. Set time to review each composition – you want your team to be heard (and let them know that they are!).

• The primary perk in having a centralized location that supports discussion, questions, and collaboration, is to build trust. When used appropriately (make sure to set ground rules for communication!) the discussion board will become a safe space. Each person will have the opportunity to share their insights or opinions. By requiring everyone to share their input in an educated, professional manner, professionalism will evoke healthy disagreements, not uncivil ones.

Test it out. Need help setting it up? Happy to help.

Your Options for Handling Conflict

You're now well-versed on the four major types of work conflict. Now let's discuss your options for handling them. 

1.) Do nothing.

What this isn't: It's not storming away or acting disgruntled. This isn't an excuse to act poorly. This is simply an option to keep the discontentment to yourself, rather than raising the issue.

At times, a colleague may have been very stern in their delivery of a statement -- the point was clear. It may be worth asking yourself if the topic is worth pushing, even if you disagree. Do you expect a different answer?

Red light: If these issues are recurring, you may begin to resent the other party. You don’t want to react or behave poorly. This is why actively choosing to do nothing is an option in handling conflict. When it goes beyond tolerable, a different approach may be
necessary. This is not a pass to be passive aggressive.

When should you use the "do nothing" philosophy? 

• You don’t have the energy or time to invest in having a conversation
• You suspect the other person is unwilling to have a constructive conversation

2.) Address indirectly.

This can be tricky. Addressing a conflict through superiors can be seen as passive. However, it can be just the thing to do in certain scenarios. An interesting cultural note here: in Western cultures, you may be perceived as weak or passive. Conversely, in many Asian cultures, a direct confrontation is unacceptable. Thus, you must understand your environment. Sometimes speaking in metaphors may educate a person about an issue, but you run the risk of this person missing the point.

When do you use this "indirectly" tactic?

• When it's unacceptable to engage in confrontation (i.e., cultural variance)
• You think the other party would not react negatively to receiving feedback from a third party

3.) Address directly.

A direct confrontation is when you speak to the other person (in the moment, or later in
time). Personally, I find I am best at addressing conflict later in time but indeed choose the "address directly" option. Knowing your tendency is incredibly useful when you're figuring out how to address conflict. Does your team deal with conflict similarly? Or, perhaps they are avoiders? This knowledge provides us insight into one another's preference, as well as providing insight into ourselves. If you are always an "address directly" type, do you have a reputation for being combative? The answer is likely yes, unless you're taking the appropriate steps to manage your behavior well.

In brief, to address directly, you explain your side of the conflict, listen to the other side, and then ideally reach a resolution. The key is to manage appropriately (we'll get to that). 

When to use address directly:

• When there's lingering resentment 
• You’ve tried doing nothing but the problem persists

The primary reason I prefer this method is because it can help relationships evolve into better ones. It also affords the opportunity to understand each party (including yourself), better.

4.) Exit the relationship. 

Is departing the relationship extreme? Perhaps. But at times, it's necessary.

The exiting option is often the last resort, but is relatively painless when the exit is in dealing with third-party vendors or unhelpful external groups. I’m reminded of a favorite saying: "don’t go away mad, just go away." This isn't about tearing down the person who you are exiting, it's about separating yourself for your own health. Only you can control your actions in this situation, and by doing so in a delicate but intentional manner, you are setting your boundary and being fair in the process.

On the other hand, this can be painful if you're contemplating leaving your place of employment due to continued conflict. You may need to consider leaving the job entirely or changing departments. If you've hit this point, ask yourself if you've attempted the three steps above. If you have, and there's no resolve or change, the clean break may be your best option. Note: You may be the one perceived as difficult. Sometimes that's an acceptable risk to take.

When do you use this option? 

• You’ve tried the other approaches (maybe even repeatedly)
• You can easily find a new job

While choosing how to handle a conflict may seem like a challenge, realize that others - your team, your colleagues, etc., may also be contemplating how they want to manage conflict – and you may be the recipient! (If you are on the receiving side, and they do NOT know how to handle this well, thus you have a screaming emotional human verbally attacking you, what do you do? Shoot me a note - I have some quick and calming tricks!)

Now, what are your options for managing a conflict? You have multiple and they are completely palatable (even if you never want to envision yourself facilitating this type of conversation). If you're interested in further education and coaching, you know how to reach me.