Take a Breath and Listen

Photo by Elice Moore on Unsplash

When I commence work with a client, I notice in our preliminary discussion whether or not someone is well adept at active listening or if it's going to be a focal point for our work together. The importance of active listening cannot be overstated. It establishes trust, offers validation, and is even a brain exercise from which we benefit. Then why do so few people listen well?

The two forms of listening are discriminative and comprehensive. Discriminative is developed at an early age and is the most basic form of listening. It does not require the understanding of words, but focuses on sound and allows us to distinguish the subtleties of people who are happy or sad, angry or stressed. It's the superpower of "how someone is saying something." Meanwhile, comprehensive listening involves understanding messages that are being communicated. Like discriminative listening, comprehensive listening is fundamental to all listening sub-types. The listener first needs appropriate vocabulary and language skills to comprehend messages.

There are other forms of listening too - Critical, Therapeutic, and Appreciative. But we often are too busy listening to our own thoughts or are waiting to say our piece. We're not very good at active listening; in fact, we're downright bad at it. Listening actively is an analytical exercise. It requires concentration on *all* of what is said. Not only the words, but the tone being used and the body language choices. Your opportunity is to process that information as it's received, forming conclusions along the way (and not before someone is done speaking).

But instead, we're conditioned to think it's acceptable to look at the text message we just received, open an email from your archnemesis, swipe left (or is it right?) on Tinder, and attend to WhatsApp messages, Slack pings, or even contemplate dinner options... None of that is OK if you want to show others you care not only about them but about what they are saying.

The good news? Listening is a skill that can be learned and there are techniques you can use to improve your listening effectiveness. First, set expectations. In meetings, it's best to let your team know what is expected of them. Do you allow the team to be disengaged, looking at their phones, or do you expect them to participate fully, and be attentive to what's in front of them? Contrary to common belief, multitasking isn't all that it's chalked up to be (it takes a serious toll on productivity!). In my household, I simply will stop speaking until my husband is off his cellphone and I know he is able to listen to what it is I am saying.

Some tips for helping you become a better listener:

• Identify Your Own Biases: Does the sound of someone's voice annoy you? Get past it and listen.

• Keep an Open Mind: Do not jump to snap judgments. Ratiocinate and flex your critical thinking capabilities.

• Mirror Back: Paraphrase what someone said to help your attention stay on that person and also to confirm you are understanding the intended message.

• Overcoming External Distractions: Set those expectations and resist the urge to pick up your cellphone or respond to emails while in the process of listening. [Short on time? No problem, but communicate that at the forefront. Expectations are your friend.]

Bonne chance!

First published on LinkedIn

Back to the (Communication) Basics.

Communication encompasses a myriad of elements. From the words that we say, to the expression on our face, or the way we are sitting upright, communicating is a lot more than considering which words will be best strung together for comprehension sake.

Image from Lee Campbell

As we navigate working from home, video-calling, and bad connections, we are faced with new communication hurdles. Your screen may freeze on you with a half-way (seemingly displeasing) stare, or your calling app may need an update causing tardiness and an interruption several minutes into a meeting. Amidst all of this, we need to remember that listening, now more than ever, is an integral part of communication.

If there’s one flop we can all relate to (guilty or not), it’s talking over each other. Especially in a virtual working environment. Add in some background noise, people beeping in and out, or a long-winded talker, and you have yourself a challenging circumstance to ensure effective communication.

The owner of each meeting must be present and taking an active part in spreading the “spotlight.” It takes effort to see who has a question (fortunately, the chat feature works well for building up a queue if there is not an opportunity to verbally interject). The point for this post is less about meeting management – although I can cover that in coming weeks – it is about active listening. While listening is particularly important for managers, it is a lost skill for many of us.

Are you pausing to speak to allow another person to finish their thought, or are you barging ahead to say your piece? Are you thinking about what you will say next (or about what’s for dinner), or are you internalizing the words that are being spoken?

As a painless starting point, ask yourself the aforementioned questions. Can you be a better listener? With a slight increase in effort, our prolonged WFH life can be a little less of a communicative calamity.

First posted to LinkedIn.

Need a Differentiator? Master EQ.

If you think about it, what is the common thread throughout all business?  People.

Emotional intelligence is defined in a myriad of ways, but the short and sweet version: it is the ability for a person to be aware of their feelings and others, while also controlling emotions, being thoughtful with responses.

Whether we are communicating with a family member, or a Fortune 100 company, understanding others, acting empathetically, and adjusting for the environment is 

Positivity Meets Reality: The world is not perfect, no. Far from it in fact. Yet, positive people often lift those up around them and approach issues as opportunities. When people are able to take challenges or obstacles and look at them for what they are - challenging but not life-threatening – the positive outlook perseveres.

Stress Management:  How do you manage your stress? Whether someone cuts you off on the highway or smacks you in the face with an umbrella (more common in NYC), that is no reason to let your day unravel. I propose: be aware of your frustration, recognize it for what it is, accept it, and move on. Deep breathing helps (as does some intense exercise!).

Take note: Facial expressions and body language speak loudly. If someone is avoiding eye contact or shifting their weight, is the conversation worth having? Or, is someone beginning to stir with anger? Being aware of others’ behaviors and body language can help circumvent heightened arguments or can save time. Hold the challenging discussion for time all parties can be attentive and thoughtful.

Higher EQ supports team alignment, reduces conflict, lowers stress, and fuels the positivity tank. Unsurprisingly, positive spins result in proactivity and solution-focused perspectives, as opposed to reactivity (its evil twin).

Keep fighting the good fight!

First published on LinkedIn

Do You Inspire?

What does an inspired person look like? Not only are they actively engaged, their productivity is superior. As a consequence, their production motivates those around them – and a new standard is set.

Inspired people can be team members, leaders, or managers. Arguably, all people can be leaders – thus it does not matter where an inspired person falls on the totem pole. This is about setting standards of excellence, and having it radiate to others.

If an inspirational leader (person) unlocks motivation and engagement – as well as commitment, there’s no question that businesses will be served well to help people tap into their inner inspiration. But how do we do that?

First, let me define what I mean by inspiration. Inspirational leaders use a combination of skills that motivate and simultaneously place value on accountability for results. This is not a cheerleader – it is a cheerleader with expectations. Inspirational leaders use taught or innate traits to help unlock performance potential in others.  

HBR conducted a study to learn what traits the participants identify as inspiring. The findings point to an interesting conclusion: inspirational people need to be diverse and have the ability to adapt. While many attributes help inspire others, only one trait is needed to double the likelihood that you will be viewed as an inspirational person.

Some of these traits include humility, empathy, openness, vision, focus, unselfishness, and stress tolerance. From my experiences, it is clear these attributes require self-reflection, receptivity, and a guiding philosophy of servanthood. [Are you taking steps to flex muscles that result in the aforementioned traits?]

The answer to reaching limitless potential is through the investment in people and in ourselves. Inspirational leaders recognize the opportunity to draw upon the rolodex of traits, contingent upon the situation. An aptitude to respond appropriately in differing scenarios takes poise and practice. The good news is, in dealing with people, there is never an absence of opportunity to practice inspiring others! What trait do your colleagues or counterparts possess that you find most inspirational?  

First published on LinkedIn