You Are Not As Lonely As You Think

Recent discourse with industry experts allowed me to reach the following conclusion: we are all a little more alike than we may know (or admit). For those who follow my blog and publications, you know I support middle managers across the spectrum— both frontline and mid-career. A trend I regularly hear from my coachees is that of a self-admitted lacking knowledge. This knowledge – knowledge to manage effectively, knowledge to spark cohesion, to craft a vision, to draw upon individuals’ strengths, is invaluable. The brilliant thing about education is that it cures these (management) ailments which cause disengagement and turnover. But at the root of this lacking knowledge is a feeling of loneliness.  

Loneliness is sparked by pressure: (1) pressure from the top to perform, to increase profit, to engage the workforce, and (2) pressure from the team to resolve concerns, increase resources, address benefits, resolve interpersonal conflict… the list goes on.

Although loneliness is a common theme – what I do not often see is a coalition for managers to learn from one another or to support each other (who has the time!?). I also observe hesitancy to allocate funding to the coaching and training of managers, even though disengagement costs businesses in the U.S. over $350 billion/year. While a different topic, managerial training is proven – yes proven – to retain talent.

Back to loneliness. What loneliness drives is isolation, and not much good comes from isolation. Creative solutions dissipate, cohesion of managers cease to exist, and the pressure managers feel to “do it all,” increases. 

In this same breath, loneliness is not an issue unique to middle management. In fact, I am told it is quite the opposite.

Wendy Luttrell, Owner of C Suite Goals, a west coast-based consulting firm, realized a need to support CEOs after her lived experience. Wendy is a seasoned CEO with experience in the Fashion sector (most notably taking BedHead Pajamas from 4M – 12M and exiting the owner profitably).  She is not unknown in fashion – having worked with Eileen Fisher, Sketchers, Linea Pelle, and Hello Kitty.  

From Wendy’s point of view:

 “When I was running BedHead it was a daily struggle to keep a positive attitude and motivate the team to grow.  Working alone in a vacuum can be paralyzing, I kept pushing forward by calling on my network to bounce ideas and get encouragement.  As CEO’s and business owners we are called upon to consistently be a support system for our teams and for the owners of our companies.  Who takes care of CEO’s?  This is why I feel I have a calling to provide a support system for CEO’s and business owners.  I work with CEO’s to help them through each day, when they feel like impostors, and when they feel the weight of the responsibility of leading the team with no support.  I consistently hear that CEO’s have no one to talk to.  Providing an ear through my Vistage Peer support group and through my private practice gives leaders a break – providing a safe space to talk about challenges they face and celebrate their victories and grow as people and leaders.” 

The challenges middle management or executive leaders face may be different, but a basic human need remains the same – the need to confide and the desire to collaborate with peers. The support that one gleans from shared experiences can yield creative solutions and offer emotional support. But, moreover, the discussion of our perceived isolation is useful to demonstrate how we are not all that different - an interesting takeaway.

Fear: A Silent Instigator

Of all complex situations in the workplace, fear is not often a term discussed or even considered when it comes to addressing and managing disagreements or tense situations.

I recently commenced reading a book I remind myself to open each year: Wired for Joy. The author, Laurel Mellin, helps readers understand more about how the brain functions. In brief (you should purchase the book!), there are joy circuits and stress circuits. Stress circuits are all around us – at home, in the office, on the road. Joy circuits, however, are harder to come by. And, like anything, practice makes perfect. When stress circuits are used regularly, they are more easily triggered.

OK, so what does this have to do with fear?

Picture yourself at work. You have a colleague who just wrote you a nastygram, insinuating your knowledge is inferior to their own. First, take virtual communication into consideration. This person may simply have a poor tone in email (I encourage you to pick up the phone *once you are calm* if you sense miscommunication or passive aggressive behavior). But beyond the tone or the insinuation, are your feelings. Your blood pressure rose, and your brain went straight to the stressed state.

What I described is as typical as getting water when we are thirsty. It’s not that we want to feel poor, but our brains tell us something is wrong. While I won’t try to explain the technicalities of neurotransmitters – Laurel can do that – I did consider a tactic that can help reground you and help you realize what is actually bothersome. What I realized is a lot of stress, and anger, stems from fear.

Next time you feel angry, give this method a shot:

• Ask yourself who you are angry toward. List the person or people.

• Then, ask yourself the reason. Record the reason.

• Now, consider what it effects. Self-esteem? Security? Ambitions? Personal relations?

• Finally, what are the underlying fears?

Let’s take the above example. Pretend Mark sent you the email. Mark is the person you are angry toward. The reason you are angry is that he is acting as he knows more than you do. <Enter reflective mode here.> The email made you feel less intelligent, gave you a swirl of insecurity about your job, and made you question if you are good enough. Further, you are now angry at Mark. How dare he? ... But what are you afraid of? Perhaps you are fearful you may lose your job, or you fear the project you need to work on with Mark will be a catastrophe.

Consider your feelings, and this process, the next time your blood boils. It may have less to do with the person (albeit we all have these tedious experiences!) and more to do with your fears. Once you recognize those fears, you are empowered to respond with insight – maybe even vulnerability – and not hostility. This helps ease tension and supports cohesion rather than opposition.

/Article originally published on LinkedIn./

Acknowledgement In the Workplace: A Retention Strategy

Following my Manager Trapdoors: Four Themes to Correct post, I promised to address the relevance of acknowledgement in the workplace. Identifying acknowledgement as a necessity to contentment at work may seem like a no brainer, but it easily falls through the cracks. Let’s look at the importance of acknowledgement, as well as some easy steps to implement acknowledgment into your day.

The days go by, your teams produce work, and life goes on. Do they feel appreciated for their work? This is a question worth asking.

Acknowledgement not only builds trust, it energizes people. Without a trustworthy environment where motivation is fostered, disengagement is painfully relevant. Gallup estimates that U.S. productivity loss, as a result of disengaged employees, is about $500 billion a year. Further, disengaged employees take an average of 4.5 more sick days per year than actively engaged employees. When the Society for Human Resource Management polled participants for the number one reason they leave a job, the answer was a lack of appreciation.  

Acknowledgement, Recognition, and Appreciation

Judy Umlas, author of the Power of Acknowledgement identified recognition and acknowledgement as two distinct actions.  Recognition is the appreciation of an action. This is the “job well-done” commentary. Thank you for completing a task on time. Think of actions, and their associated result. Conversely, she identifies acknowledgement as the heart-felt appreciation for the person as a whole. This requires a manager to really know their team member. Thank you for being an exceptional listener in that client meeting or I appreciate your natural ability to be genuine. This isn’t the surface-stuff. It’s the underlying behaviors.  

Appreciation, on the other hand, can be accomplished by both acknowledgement and recognition. If we are seeing people flock away due to the absence of appreciation, we have many options in correcting the virus.

To that point, any deficiency in acknowledgement, recognition, and appreciation, contributes to disengagement. Gallup has identified the following:

-       About 30 percent of currently employed people are actively engaged. This is the type of person we should want to see in our organizations. These individuals work with passion, want to succeed, and are committed to their jobs.

-       About 50-52 percent are not engaged employees. They are checked out. Energy is lacking and they do the minimum. (Anyone surprised by this number? Me too.)

-       Then, it’s suggested 18 percent are actively disengaged. The negativity is venomous. From irresponsibility, to speed to criticize, and blatant unhappiness, we’ve all seen a person or two in our careers who demonstrate these behaviors.  

Steps to Take

As a quick background on just one leadership theory, the behavioral approach focuses on what leaders do rather than who leaders are. The behavioral approach suggests that leaders engage in two primary types of behaviors: task behaviors and relationship behaviors. In my work as a management consultant, I have identified the best leaders are focused slightly more (and sometimes significantly so) on relationship behaviors. Can managers be leaders? Absolutely. But the core definitions differ. (Get some more clarity on the difference here.) The point here is this: relationship-oriented leaders and managers will opt to engage in appreciative behaviors more often than their task-oriented counter parts. Unsure where you fall? I can share a great assessment tool with you for self-exploration.  

If you find a team member demonstrating some disengagement traits, try the following.

• Acknowledge them (see above for an example!)

• Recognize them (see above for an example!)

• Listen to them. True listening is a form of acknowledgement. It is validating and truly helps team members feel they are an important part of the team.  

• Adjust your behaviors; try implementing a practice to recognize each of your employees at least once (everyone can do that!) a week.

Have you done all these things and still no luck? Drop me a line.

Until next time –
Brielle 

But… Wasn’t I The Best Manager Ever??

Every week I get the opportunity to evaluate systemic issues; from the micro-culture that is the office environment, to the macro-culture that is our government. Looking for the gaps in human interaction really makes me tick.

With a sufficient knowledge base – an undergraduate degree in communication, a master’s in leadership and organizational communication, and now an in-pursuit doctorate in business leadership, I must be able to walk-the-walk, right?

To answer the question: I most definitely was not the best manager ever.

Self-Assessment & Reflection

If you want to be a leader or manager (find out the leader/manager relationship here), the first step is knowing yourself. It might seem most reasonable to ask a friend what they think about your management capabilities, but that’s not going to cut it. Fortunately, behavioral psychologists and researchers before me have realized self-assessments act as a foundation for changing behavior; and change doesn’t occur without awareness.

In retrospect, revisiting personality or interpersonal leadership style assessments – and truly understanding them – would have proved quite useful before entering management. Here I was thinking I knew myself. In fairness, I was aware of my downfalls, but never took steps to address them… Yeah, that’s a problem.

Let’s see, in 2012 Stratton Consulting identified my interpersonal leadership style as Director, with a correlating perception of flexibility as Rigid. In 2013 the DiSC pinned me in a classic Inspirational Pattern. In 2014 Gallup Strengths-Based Leadership Report coined me as an Executor. And in 2016, Myers-Briggs reiterated my INTJ status. Now without context or experience reading these reports, the aforementioned classifiers aren’t particularly telling.

What I can tell you is I had (and have) blind spots. I’m critical and judgmental. I’m opinionated and persistent. I’m competitive and discontented. And yet, I truly believe people are at the core of functional businesses, and that the purpose of management is to serve their people, not to serve themselves.

It wasn’t until that clicked – until my team’s success meant more to me than my own – that I truly started to change my behavior.

I think of times a team member asked me to review an email or edit a deck. Each and every time I was nitpicky. I have no doubt I drove my team nuts. It was likely cringe worthy!

Did this empower them? No, it showed them that I thought my way was better. If something is flat out wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t inquire and help them get to the correct answer (key word help, not enable) but don’t assume your way is the only one. 

Out of all these personality tests, leadership assessments, and the like, there’s one thing I know for sure: any perceived negative attribute I’ve possessed over the years has to do with ego. And the moment we let our egos get in the way, is the moment we lose sight of the value in our human capital.

If you’re like me, you’re hoping I will get to the point here soon. The point is this: self-reflection is a path to leadership development. I encourage you to ask yourself two things:

1. Why do you want to lead?

2. What is the purpose of your leadership?

If the answers are power, money, and prestige, you are at risk for relying on external gratification for fulfillment. I’d be delusional if I said you can’t lead with the desire to serve others, and simultaneously earn influence, prestige, or wealth. But – and this is the big but – be cognizant of underlying motivators.

If there’s an area you’re hoping to improve and you’re looking for literature or some support, you know how to reach me.

For the solo high-performer who wants to remain as such: It’s OK to be a stellar individual contributor and never manage a team. The point here is not to change who you are – it’s to own it and maximize the hell out of it!