Help! My Employee is Entitled.

Did you know there is very little scientific data about the differences among generations? The studies that have been conducted indicate generational nuances are more about life-stage as opposed to directly correlated attributes of a generation, e.g., entitlement. [I bet you can guess which generation is labeled as entitled, even though I did not indicate!] What this says is two-fold. First, the discourse has led to assumed normality’s, when in actuality certain adjectives are not indicative of generations. Yet, we associate baby-boomers with being sheltered by their not-so-sheltered Traditionalist parents, and we associate Gen Xers with being stealth-bomb parents (the marginalized generation who didn’t get enough attention). Second, it says we are looking at the problem at a micro, not macro, scale.

Here’s the deal: a team member can be 20, 30, or 40 and still behave like an entitled frog prince (or princess). I recently read a great article about the effects of entitlement on human resource management and the managerial challenges that entitlement poses. The entitlement plague is not a generation; it is a mindset that is fueled by culture. A culture dedicated to social media, television, and the internet. This “me first” society is the conditioning tool, and we are Pavlov’s dog. We are speaking before we listen, pushing before we yield, and doing all of this while looking in the mirror (not for introspection purposes, but because we are vain). If that does not sound like the perfect mix to produce narcissists, I do not know what does.

OK, but you still have that entitled employee. There are steps to take as a manager to help them evolve, and ensure your sanity in the process (and, if you follow my blog, you may already have the answers).

So much of what I talk about is rooted in expectations: both organizationally and on the team level. A plan of attack to address entitlement includes:

• Refer to company policies: values, mission, ethics code, and code of conduct. Know these well and make sure your team does, too. 

• Review and reiterate team expectations. Rather than “produce results,” quantify those results. Increase your client base by 10% in the next four months. Precise clarity reduces employees' ability to exaggerate (or inflate results, which is sometimes seen by entitled individuals).

• Appreciate your team, but also get creative. Change bringing in bagels every week on Thursdays to bringing the team to get coffee, or having an offsite meeting. Regularity can breed entitlement. “Where are my bagels??”

• Counter entitlement with its antidote: gratitude. [Need help incorporating gratitude into your team? I have tips!]

• Do not wait until it is too late to address concerns. Speak with the instigator of entitlement sooner rather than later. Identify what behaviors are problematic and why.

Initially published on LinkedIn through my Articles

There’s No Reasoning with a Bully.

Bullies are often associated with high school. Bullies will not exist in the later years of life, we told ourselves. Too bad we were all wrong. Bullies find a way to maintain their bully-like tendencies throughout life – regardless of social expectations. What’s more: their tactics have become honed! The bully’s behavior minimizes others, makes him or she feel better about themselves, and wreaks havoc upon anyone in their way. And yes, they are our colleagues. 

Although I like to envision a dramatized version of bullies (you cannot beat Biff’s bully persona in the beloved Back to the Future series), the reality is that we are surrounded by bullies, some of whom hold reputable and influential positions. If there is no reasoning with a bully (trust me, emotional intelligence is not their strong suit), what is the next best thing?

As a manager of people, the most significant power you possess is the ability to influence. If you have any chance at changing a bully’s behavior, it starts with you. Set a team policy for ethical behavior in the workplace. It is plausible your place of work has an ethics policy. If bullying is covered, great. Use that verbiage. If it isn’t, I encourage you to speak with leadership to incorporate an anti-bullying policy and/or edit the behavioral code of conduct. Use this as a guide not only for yourself, but for your team. Regularly communicate the updated (or same) ethics code/code of conduct policy within your coterie. Being able to walk the walk is of utmost importance here.

OK, you have an updated policy, as well as a new schedule to convey expectations of behavior in accordance with the ethics policy/anti-bullying policy. Yet, nothing has changed…

Next step: Incorporate respectful and civil behavioral components/expectations into your performance management metrics for your team. This is a great way to hold your team accountable for their behaviors (and, quite frankly, should already be a part of evaluation metrics). We want to work with people we can trust and respect. The higher the trust, the higher the cohesion and productivity. If you make a change to the performance management metrics, make sure to communicate it out.

Following performance metric adjustments, ensure there is a process to report bullying in the organization. If there is no existing process, collaborate with human resources to implement a company-wide program. It is essential any bullied team member feel they can disclose their concerns without ramifications. [Note: It is not unusual for a bully to demand much of a manager’s time. Keep track of this. Are your other team members getting what they need from you?]

Now that organizational measures have been considered and/or implemented and expectations are clearly conveyed, it might be time for a corrective discussion. My recommendation for conflict resolution of this caliber is to practice a tactic called Principled Negotiation. It consists of (1) Separating the people from the problem (2) Focusing on interests, not positions, (3) Inventing options for mutual gains, and (4) Insisting on using objective criteria. Ideally, bullying will be seen as an organizational issue, not an individual / team level issue. If the organization has exhausted all options, including those above, experienced conflict resolution tactics should be deployed.

Slowly, but surely, there will be no space for bullies in our places of work.

Fear: A Silent Instigator

Of all complex situations in the workplace, fear is not often a term discussed or even considered when it comes to addressing and managing disagreements or tense situations.

I recently commenced reading a book I remind myself to open each year: Wired for Joy. The author, Laurel Mellin, helps readers understand more about how the brain functions. In brief (you should purchase the book!), there are joy circuits and stress circuits. Stress circuits are all around us – at home, in the office, on the road. Joy circuits, however, are harder to come by. And, like anything, practice makes perfect. When stress circuits are used regularly, they are more easily triggered.

OK, so what does this have to do with fear?

Picture yourself at work. You have a colleague who just wrote you a nastygram, insinuating your knowledge is inferior to their own. First, take virtual communication into consideration. This person may simply have a poor tone in email (I encourage you to pick up the phone *once you are calm* if you sense miscommunication or passive aggressive behavior). But beyond the tone or the insinuation, are your feelings. Your blood pressure rose, and your brain went straight to the stressed state.

What I described is as typical as getting water when we are thirsty. It’s not that we want to feel poor, but our brains tell us something is wrong. While I won’t try to explain the technicalities of neurotransmitters – Laurel can do that – I did consider a tactic that can help reground you and help you realize what is actually bothersome. What I realized is a lot of stress, and anger, stems from fear.

Next time you feel angry, give this method a shot:

• Ask yourself who you are angry toward. List the person or people.

• Then, ask yourself the reason. Record the reason.

• Now, consider what it effects. Self-esteem? Security? Ambitions? Personal relations?

• Finally, what are the underlying fears?

Let’s take the above example. Pretend Mark sent you the email. Mark is the person you are angry toward. The reason you are angry is that he is acting as he knows more than you do. <Enter reflective mode here.> The email made you feel less intelligent, gave you a swirl of insecurity about your job, and made you question if you are good enough. Further, you are now angry at Mark. How dare he? ... But what are you afraid of? Perhaps you are fearful you may lose your job, or you fear the project you need to work on with Mark will be a catastrophe.

Consider your feelings, and this process, the next time your blood boils. It may have less to do with the person (albeit we all have these tedious experiences!) and more to do with your fears. Once you recognize those fears, you are empowered to respond with insight – maybe even vulnerability – and not hostility. This helps ease tension and supports cohesion rather than opposition.

/Article originally published on LinkedIn./

Listening vs. Waiting to Talk

We have all been there. You can picture it. Whether you are the one unable to listen, or you are watching your colleague from across the room – awkwardly shifting with anticipation for their turn to talk – listening actively is harder than it looks.

Only 10% of people listen effectively, and actively. The rest of us are worried about what we are going to say, how we want to respond, or how we want to frame our advice. What’s more, if it is not our own reply that we are conjuring up as another person speaks, then it is the dinging of our phones – email, texts, and calls – or simply the noise in our heads that make sure we are distracted from listening. If you are honest, the odds of us being completely present when another person is speaking, are low.

Listening is less about the physical ability to hear, and more about comprehension, internalization, and recognition – even the pauses (some would say awkward silences) have meaning.

The good news? Active listening is a skill, and like any skill, it can be honed. If you are familiar with mindfulness or the notion of being in the present moment, you are already a step ahead. Through being present, you are more physically capable to listen.

Why should we care about listening? Well, a lot of reasons. First, if you are a manager, you need to actively listen to your team members. This not only increases empathy, it decreases conflict, and promotes trust. (What an efficient way to spark cohesion!) These benefits are unquestionably valuable among friends, family, and peers - of all ages - as well.

Exercise: Ask a colleague or loved one to practice with you (it is highly probable they need the help too!). Meet for tea or coffee, and ask your counterpart a simple question: how are they doing? This exercise should focus on asking open-ended questions. This is not about you offering advice or judging what is being said. It is about recognizing when your mind drifts. Are you thinking about the temperature of the coffee? The weather? Or perhaps you’re thinking about what may happen if your child doesn’t make the basketball team. Try to be aware of all of those thoughts. Rather than fight them, recognize them and come back to the present moment (listening to your counterpart) without judgement.

What this exercise will do:

• It will show you how much your mind wanders

• It will encourage you to be more mindful of your thoughts

• It will challenge you to realize your intentions of speaking e.g., rebuttals, advice, point-making.

This may seem slightly off topic for leadership advisement, but I assure you it is not! Instead, attentive and fully engaged listening is essential to establishing authentic relationships and cultivating team cohesion.